Friday, February 25, 2011

Gone Home

Julia Dawn Hansen Jan 12, 2011 – Feb 25, 2011

Early this morning our little Julia returned home to her Heavenly Father.  After coming at 23 weeks gestation and fighting for 6 weeks, her roller coaster ride is complete. 

Her major fight was with two things.  her lungs that were so weak and damaged, and what ultimately got to her, a fungal infection.  For the last 4-5 days, it has been touch and go and really tough to watch her not improve.  The infection made her cells weak and she had a lot of swelling(edema).  She had almost 2lbs of extra water weight, so she looked quite swollen, given that her “real” weight was only about 1lb 10 oz.

I never knew the heart ache that could come with this.  When the doctor’s told us that there really wasn’t anything else they could do for her, I think I went numb.  Somehow, I knew that it was coming, but it was still hard to take. We’d been waiting so long for Julia to “declare” to us what she was doing that I wanted to keep holding on. late last night it became clear and she did declare her path.  She had a few episodes that showed that she was about to go. 

We did get to spend time with her before she passed.  Erin’s parents had just driven up from California, so their timing was perfect to be able to see her and be here for us.  A number of other family members were able to come and see and say goodbye to Julia.  All of our daughters were able to finally come and hold their little sister.  I was even able to hold her for the first time.  I had never done it before then, and it was a great daddy-daughter moment. (heart-aching, but wonderful)  After everyone had left and had a chance to say goodbye, it was just Erin and I with her when she passed on. (about 1 am this morning)The nurses disconnected her from everything and we were able to hold her some more.  It was nice to see her without all the tubes and things.  The last hardest thing was to let her go and come home.  I think we said multiple goodbyes as it was tough to finally hand her back to the nurses.  Parental instincts run deep.

We can’t thank enough all the nurses and doctors, family and friends that have supported us through this.  It has made a huge difference.  I’m sure that there are more rough days ahead, but we are so grateful.    That’s it for now, and I’m sure Erin will post her thoughts when she is ready. 

 

 

Primary Children’s did everything possible to make things easier for us. 

44 comments:

Syme Family said...

I'm so sorry! Please let me know if there is ANYTHING that I can do for you guys!

Melissa said...

We are so sorry. We will keep all of you in our prayers.

Robinson Family said...

I am so sorry. Please let us know if you need anything. She was a little fighter through everything and your Faith is truly inspiring. Thank goodness for the gospel and the knowledge we have that you will get to be with her again. Take care and again please let us know if you need anything. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family. All our love The Robinson Family.

Morgan said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Julia had been through so much and she was such a fighter. We loved caring for her and getting to know your amazing family.
From your McKay NICU family

Sorensens said...

We love you guys so much, little Julia was such a fighter and a miracle. Thank goodness for the gospel and your testimony that you know without a doubt you will see Julia again. Our prayers are with your family during this time and please know we love you so much.

Brumbaugh Family said...

Julia's spirit was strong. I feel blessed to have know her through FB and your blog. I will keep your family in my prayers. -Emily (I went to school with Bill)

Mrs. Trammell said...

We are so sorry for your loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Let us know if we can help in any way.

Andra and Aaron

Lisa said...

I am so sorry for your loss. We've been praying for her and your family. I will continue to pray that God comfort you during your season of grieving. God Bless.

Gordon, Jamie, Evelyn and Claire said...

It's amazing how a little spirit, a daughter of god, that I have never met can make such an impact on my life and my testimony. Thank you for sharing her sweet little life with us through your blog. SHe is an angel and is now at home with our Heavenly Father. Familie ARE forever and my testimony of that fact is strong and true! You family is in our prayers and we are so sorry for your loss!

Heidi said...

Julia was a fighter and sure endured to the end. I loved taking care of her. She was so cute. I loved picking out bows for her and enjoyed helping give Julia her first tub bath. You are great parents and she knew that you loved her. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Love Heidi(night shift RN) at Mckay.

The SMITH's said...

Erin I'm so sorry for your loss. What a strong spirit she had to fight for so long! My heart is aching for you and your family right now, May the Lord comfort you and your family at tis difficult time.
With Love,
Natalie Ragle

Turpin Times said...

I'm so very sorry. My heart is aching for you guys right now. Please know that we are praying for your entire family and hope that you can find peace in our Heavenly Father's plan of eternal families! She is yours forever! Lots of love!!!

Mindi Turpin

Alyssa said...

so sorry bill and erin. i am just feeling and aching for your whole family. julia was such an amazing girl! thanks for sharing her story, and your faith and testimonies throughout this. love you and praying for all of you!

Stacie said...

Bill, you and Erin are so strong. I can feel your hearts aching. You continue to be in my prayers, and hope that you can feel Heavenly Father's love for you every day.

Toots said...

I really look up to both of you, Bill and Erin. You guys have always brought a huge smile to my face everytime I saw you in church or otherwise. You're the kind of people I would consider good friends yet we don't see each other much. And through all this difficutly with little Julia, you have touched all of our lives very much. I admire your strength, your words and your testimonies. I truly hope your sweet family can feel the spirit and let it uplift you in the many days ahead as we pray for you. Much love,
Tami Johnson

Vivian said...

Bill
I have followed the blog for quite sometime. Thank you for sharing this experiece with us. You, your faith, your love, have touched me deeply. I have only but thought the BEST of you always. I am truly sorry for your loss and now more than ever I rely on the knowledge that you will see your Princess again someday.
Adios

Bobbidee said...

We are truly sorry Bill and Erin. We love your family so much and will continue praying for your sweet family. Wish we could physically be there for you. We will visit in July.

Jennie said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm a friend of Kate's and have been following your journey. Our thoughts are with you.

Karlie said...

We are sorry to hear about little Julia. You have been in our prayers throughout this whole time and will continue to be. We hope you will find peace and comfort knowing that our Heavenly Father loves you and although we don't always understand why things happen we have the knowledge that families can be together forever. Please let us know what we can do for you.
Love the Himle's

Sarah Matonis said...

Words fail to express the love and feeling at this time. You are an amazing family.I hope that you can find the peace in the faces of those at home to carry you through this time. All of our love XOXO

Nikki said...

bill and erin we are so sorry and continue to keep you and your family in our prayers. we love you.

The Dahle Family said...

I'm Miriam Deru's cousin. She referred me to your blog because we were where you are not quite 2 years ago. We lost our little 3 month old Dexter. Prayer is powerful. God's promises are real. The plan of salvation is true. And the temple is a place of refuge. Here's my blog post that corresponds to this one of yours: http://dahlelife.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html

I remember being at the temple not long after he died and thinking about D&C 138, about how Dexter was serving as a missionary in the spirit world. I thought of the mission I served and the excitement at seeing someone you've taught get baptized, and remembering the sadness when someone we taught accepted the gospel but couldn't get baptized for about 4 more years because he was on probation. Then I thought of Dexter teaching someone the gospel up there, and just wishing and hoping that someone would do the work for this person he'd taught who had just accepted the Gospel. I felt that as his mother, I could actually support my son on a mission by doing work in the temple. And it made me feel so close and connected to him. I don't get to support our little Spirit World missionary by writing letters and sending packages, but I can do work for the dead in the temple. It was a powerful learning experience for me.

Feel free to contact me if you want to talk to someone who's been there.
--Monette Dahle

kacie said...

Julia was a beautiful baby. She lived a good 6 weeks, fighting every step of the way with wonderful parents to be there with her! Eternal Families means forever, and that you will be able to finish raising your little girl in the heavens. My prayers are with your family at this time of grieving. Kacie Parker Mckay Nicu

Penni said...

Bill and Erin-we are so sorry to hear about little Julia. We just want you to know we are thinking of you and that you are in our prayers. Your example of strength and faith is amazing and it is that strength and faith that will some day make your family whole again.
We love you guys!!
JR and Penni

Emily Harkness said...

Our prayers and thoughts are with you. She is such a beautiful little girl. I really am at a loss for words, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I love your family and hope you can have much comfort and peace.

Sweetpea said...

Oh Bill and Erin. I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I hope that you all feel the love of Heavenly Father for you both at this time.

Sweetpea said...

This is Annie, by the way.

A 'n D said...

we are so very sorry for your loss & join the others in thoughts, tears & prayers.
sincerely, the francoms (j's mom from Mrs. Heaton's K. class last year & in the neighborhood)

Katie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your faith and eternal perspective are inspiring. I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. Our love and prayers are with you all!

Brooke said...

I have been praying so much for your family and for sweet Julia. I will continue to do so. As someone else said, it is amazing how such a tiny little girl, whom I have never met, can have such an impact on me. What a blessing she has been in our lives. I can only imagine what she has done for your family. Prayers coming to you. Thanks for sharing her (and your) journey with us.

John and Sherri said...

I'm sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sherri (RT McKay)

Jennie Taylor said...

We are so sorry for your loss. We love and admire your sweet little family so much. Thank you for your example, your faith and your strength through all of this--and for being so willing to share your journey with the rest of us. We love you all, and will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Love, The Taylors

momscott said...

I came across this song by Michael McLean that I thought might be helpful at this time. I have been reading his book "Hold on the light will come". He explains the reasons for each song that he has written. He wrote this particular song for some friends of his that lost one of their sons in a car accident. But he says, "The question was no longer about how well the music was crafted, but rather how tenderly it might comfort those who needed someone to stay, just until their hearts recovered." Here are the words to the song "Stay with me". I hope it brings you some comfort. "No one ever can be certain what another day will bring, So dim the lights and raise the curtain, The cast is waiting in the wings.
Life goes on and on forever. And though deep down inside I know, I'll have her back again, I'll still be lonely until then.
And Lord, I need you - To stay with me just until my heart recovers.
Stay with me, it's a lonely thing to suffer. Tell me how the heartache I feel now will go away someday.
Maybe we just might find the answers that will carry me- like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor. I'll learn to dance once more someday If you'll just stay....And Lord, I know that you will stay."
Thinking about you and your cute family!
Tara

thelag said...

I just found out about your blog today at work and wanted to take this opportunity to tell you have much I enjoyed taking care of Julia and visiting with you two. There hasn't been a day go by since you left McKay that I haven't thought about you guys. I am so grateful that Julia had such a stable day the last time I took care of her and was able to be held by Erin. If there is anything I can do for you guys, please let me know - I don't live too far from you. Heidi L. (dayshift RN)

Joe and Heidi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lady1kt said...

I was so sorry to hear about Julia. She must have been one very special spirit to have been here such a short time. I wish there was something I could do for you, but know that the best I can do is pray for you to be comforted. You guys are so special and we all love you so much. That is so wonderful that all of you could at least hold her before she passed on.

House of Payne said...

Erin- my heart aches for you and your sweet family. I can't imagine the roller coaster you've all been on these last few months. thank you for your strength and testimony. thank you for your example. please know that "his image is in your countenance" i saw and felt that with you! my prayers are with you and your famly!
with love, concern and gratitude,
Kortney Payne- McKay Dee

Christy C. said...

I am so sorry. She is such a sweet little girl and what a fighter! I loved getting to care for her and your sweet family. You are amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

HotelCaliFarnsworth said...

Erin and Bill, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are experiencing. I hope soon you will be comforted and be at peace. We love you and will remember you and Julia in our prayers.
Love,
Shauna (Fisher) Farnsworth

myboys said...

We love you family and our heart goes out to you guys. What a beautiful little girl. I'm so glad I got to see pictures of her. I know she will be a blessed angel watching out for her sisters. Much love, Danica and family

Debbie said...

Your family is in our prayers. Loved taking care of Julia and getting to know you, you are an amazing family.

Marc and Miriam Deru said...

Sweet Alyssa said in primary Sunday that knowing her family can be together forever and hugging you (Erin) makes her happy. Oh, how much you have been through. I hope you don't mind my referring my cousin to you-- our whole family went through the straining faith and prayers on sweet little Dexter's behalf not long ago and I was inspired by Monette's faith, as I'm inspired by yours. You were glowing with peace on the day of the viewing. I'm so glad I got to meet Julia. We're praying for you.

bonzoodles said...

My heart is broken for you and your family!! I was just telling a co-worker about the experience I had with you and your girls that day in Ice-Cream and Isolettes class when I got to take you guys in and peek through the window at the baby. She was so tiny, and the image of her beautiful self, and vibrantly kicking legs is honestly forever burned into my memory. It during the telling of that story, that a NICU nurse overheard me, and she knew instantly it was your beautiful family. That is when she told me the news. I just wanted to express my sincere condolences and let you know that your beautiful family has made such an impact on me in just the two or three short visits that we had together. May God bless you in your grief, and on any future journey that you all have.
Warmest regards,
Casey Davis
Child Life Specialist
McKay Dee

mkjcole2 said...

I talked with Bill on tuesday when he came to the NICU and kept checking my email for any updates while I was off. I found out about Julia on the monday following graveside services and so I am sorry I missed it. Thanks for letting us have a little part of your family while she was in to NICU. Julia was such a fiesty fighter to the end and I enjoyed taking care of her. My toughts and prayers continue to be with you at this time as you are comforted. Love, Jen Coleman